I Was An NFL Football Addict Before Colon Crapernic Took A Knee

You too can "just say no" to the NFL

My addiction began with a harmless little drag on tag football in elementary school. That first puff of tag revealed something about myself I never realized ... I had a natural born football fan gene and could run for the goal line faster than anyone on either team. I was hooked on that inner jolt of satisfaction football gave me. I continued experimenting with the pointy pigskin and grew more and more dependent on my next football fix. By high school, I had sunk deeper into the game and higher on the habit. My addiction had increased from that first harmless drag to a full-blown fire breather and straight line shooter. Soon I was a hard-core junkie, pro-football drug addict. My football obsession had progressed from a miniature, marijuana, "ball" joint to a college level sports fanatic. By that time I was so good at football observation and commentary that I was being recruited by the majors. As a rookie, I was the loudest, red-faced stomper in the bleachers and became a Cowboys home team slavorite. Since I had given my entire fanship for an NFL joint, weed, roach and crack smack, the majors considered me pro fan material and I was drafted into the big leagues. From there I was so fast, agile, and hoarse, as a drugged out fan, that I was selected MVP (Most Valuable Punker) and given a special easy chair in front of my own TV for every game. My football addiction had me anxiously enduring church till I could run to my car, speed home for my fanatical TV football fix, to get my Sunday hit. I even found myself desperately searching the channels every day hoping to find a football dealer. I was a hopeless slave to my addiction. NFL was my drug of choice. I loved God and country more than the best grade of football dope, but I sometimes considered asking Him to give me another Cowboys win to relieve my craving withdrawal pains.

That's when the miracle happened. Colon Crapernic, the 49ers quarterback took a knee ... not to pray but to reproach our National Anthem, Old Glory, our Founding Fathers, our Military Heros and our Law Enforcement Officers. Crapernic introduced this new drug, named after him, to the entire NFL. 95% of the NFL players got hooked on the Crapernic Kneel and took a knee before each game to pacify their addiction to a consumptive contradiction ... famous millionaire playboys insulting their own fanatical followers and their own adoring, foolish nation. That one Crapernic football cocain hit made me so sick I kicked the NFL habit... cold turkey, permanently, without falling off the wagon even once. We have regular meetings now called FAA (Football Addicts Anonymous).  A few have relapsed but others have taken their places and the bleachers are hollow-eyed skeletons of their former selves, but still smokin.