Doctor Quack And His Helicopter Remedy

Common Sense Commentary on Uncommon Non-Sense: The reason our Head of the FED, Dr. Ben Bernanke, is known as "Helicopter Ben" is his statement that if our economy warranted it, he would, "Drop fiat money from Helicopters" to remedy the problem.

The FED's former head, Dr. Alan Greenspan was on duty, in the Emergency Room, when they brought in his client of many years, Mrs. USA. .....  Dr. Greenspan had kept her content over those years,  in co-operation with Dr. Congress, by keeping her on a rigid diet of several thousand "fiat" calories a day and restricted exercise. With this sedentary regimen, he had succeeded in transforming her from a wiry, pretty, self reliant, Olympic champion to a very docile, six hundred pound, ultra obese, totally dependent patient.  By so doing, Dr Greenspan and Dr. Congress had created many new jobs, more "gross" domestic product and an "enlarged"  economy. Now, however, his sickening patient couldn't get out of her king sized bed and was showing signs of imminent terminality. So what would happen to all those new jobs ( government employees), houses and the national economy "if she expires?" The good doctor tried every trick in the magic book to restore her to her former job producing appetite and dependency.  How could we support all those farmers, truckers of food, grocers, restaurants and gallon sized cola bottlers if she died?  "She has to be kept satisfied, fat and sassy .... and alive", said he. "Gobs of ____ jobs and mucho ____ monetary, fiat is our responsibility", he swore.  But alas, nothing worked when half the workers didn't.  "It always works   ...  It's in the Book", he cried ... real tears ... in private.  His deepest fear was "losing that mamoth source of new jobs in government, food industry, and bed pan care .... and even worse, losing the voting majority of fat, lazy, pampered, dependent, gluttonous Americans." The  moment Dr. Greenspan realized that he and Dr. Congress had converted a healthy champion into a dying slug, ...... he dropped his new toy stethoscope, sailed  his resignation in to the president and ran for the nearest exit.

Dr. Greenspan's replacement, Dr. "Helicopter Ben" Bernanke, was thrilled and certain his newly devised "Helicopter" remedy of, "Keep the patient gorging on fiat and regurgitating alternately until the crisis passes", would do the trick.  Dr. Bernanke examined the overstuffed, clogged up patient and quickly pressed the alarm button .... that (gonna all die and go to hell, Armageddon emergency) button.  At his first shriek, all the experts, politicians, nurses, and doctors of philosophy, psychiatry,  economics and doodling came arunnin. "Armageddon is upon us ... I have looked into the abyss and the whole world is going down the terrible tube ... unless ... unless you all do exactly as I say", said he. "She is dying of malnutrition and needs more fiat food. Alert allll helicopters ... and pig farmers. Force feed her if she resists. Double her diet especially PORK."  So the kookie cooks in the printing office booted  up the computers and clicked on all the boxes to produce trillions more fried, fricasseed, fiat calories to force feed, with funnels, this 600 pound, gargantuan, terminal queen of the gimme gimme pigmies. Dr. Quack Bernanke was dead set not to let this super duper inflatiated patient die on his watch. So he force fed the lady through fire hoses from the kitchen. "Pump her up, pumperup til she floats", said Dr. Bernanke.  "Not me", said an old fashioned nurse, "She's  gonna blow like a Fukushima Nuclear Reactor."

Update: Our country is now well enough to be out of the emergency room and is under Hospis Care receiving sips of warm water and pain medication.  A whispered prayer and quiet comment ... "it's just a matter of time" saith the minister.

Pass it on. RB